04 Oct Whats New With You?
What has changed in my life since September 1, 2019?
On September 1, 2019, the impossible, the improbable happened … I lost my ground, my roof, I lost my concept of family. My husband left on a trip for his growth and died on the couch of friends of ours, in Holland. He simply died in his sleep … his heart was beating less and less until he left. He left and left me alone with a 2 year old girl who still talks about her daddy. It took a week to return to Portugal, with police, with embassies and other adventures. The day came … the coffin came down, the earth covered, the flowers covered and I sat on the dirt floor of the cemetery. The crowd dispersed and I continued to sit until someone asked me: “Now what?” My answer was of Faith. – “I will be like an eagle and I will fly high! God has a plan! ”Do you know what Faith is? It is discovering what is already true and choosing to believe, but our thinking will not stop. The questions arise, “What plan? What purpose? What end? Why did I lose my family? Why am I alone? ”. So many questions have arisen, and arise, in my mind. So many fears, fears, insecurities, feelings of loss, loneliness, sadness … But did I ask God the right question? Did I ask or just inform? Many of our conversations with God are to say something that He already knows, to explain what He must do. As long as we give the answers, we will be very limited. Did we stop asking God and now we just assume what it is? We all go through moments that we are not expecting, a divorce, an abortion, an illness, a death that causes suffering. During this process, we stop asking and our focus is on pain, emptiness, we are focused on the desert. This is our problem … we stopped asking. Questions allow access. Now look, Jesus when he talks to Samaria’s wife, asks for water to drink. To the woman’s reply “How can you ask to drink?”, Because the Jews did not communicate with the Samaritans, Jesus replies “If you knew who I am, you would be the one asking and I would give you living water.” If you only knew what is in you. After all, what’s in you and me? Living water, bread of life. The answer is in you, because He lives in you. Therefore, he asks: What should I be at this stage of my life? What should I do at this point in my life? When Jesus speaks to Samaria’s wife, he asks her for water to drink. To the woman’s reply “How can you ask to drink?”, Because the Jews did not communicate with the Samaritans, Jesus replies “If you knew who I am, you would be the one asking and I would give you living water.” If you only knew what is in you. After all, what’s in you and me? Living water, bread of life.
During the period of confinement, because of Covid-19, I lived alone with my daughter, in a house with so many memories. Memories of a family that disappeared, a story that ended, dreams to live. I was forced to mourn and, simultaneously, live the fear of contracting Covid-19, fear of leaving my daughter without a mother, fear of being unemployed … fear. During this period, my father passed away and I felt more empty and more afraid. I was diagnosed with a lump in the breast, possible cancer. More terror, more panic, more fear. Fear was the watchword. After all, where is God’s plan? Where is my Faith? What should I be and do? Faith was hidden, without shining, without strength, it stopped being fed. There were so many setbacks … I felt like a boat adrift, in a storm, lost in search of solid ground. It was then that I cried out, a cry that comes from the depths of our depths, to the God of the Impossible. What happened? Have circumstances changed? No, my perspective has changed. I trusted God, stopped and looked around me. “Test me” – says in Malaquias- test me at all times, in everything you go through, in everything you experience. Look around you, God puts people, circumstances, signs that work in our favor, even when the odds say no. Stop looking at the storm, look for the lighthouse, follow the Light. The book of your life is not over, it is just a chapter that is being closed. It is God who writes mine and your story. Focus on the positive and hold on to the Word that is Life. The world does not need murmuring, it needs examples. May my life, and yours, speak louder than our voice. We are light and salt on earth. Share your light, share your story!
THE AUTHOR
